ANGER

(I hope you find space in your heart to receive this, my first of many vulnerable posts...)

I had to apologize to my children this morning. It is not something I Like to do, but it is not something I shy away from. If I have to apologize then I can conclude I errored and I struggle with that when it comes to parenting.

Today, I lost my temper. I was harsh, irritable and frustrated.

My son was asking me questions he knew the answer to.

My daughter was exaggerating

& I was running behind time.

I found myself short with them, I found my voice rising and I felt an irritable irritation brewing in my gut. What I should have done was politely asked them for a moment alone but instead I just walked away... I went in my bedroom. I wanted to crawl under my bed to get away from it all but the next thing I heard was my daughter following me, crying. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I proceeded to get her what she needed in a short and irritated tone despite her tears. I finally got them dressed and I attempted to walk away again. This time, I walked into my closet, closed the door and sat in the dark. I just sat there, listening to my breathing. I could hear them fumbling around getting their things ready to go to school but I knew if I continued in this manner I would only do more damage.

In that moment I began to feel defeated. "What kind of mom are you, fussing at your babies before they go to school". "You can't handle stress". "You're terrible". "Your mom never did this to you". but, instead of succumbing to them, I had to stop the voices and have a serious conversation with myself.

In that short time in my closet I realized :

1. I need to get their clothes out the day before.

2. I need to know when to politely walk away

3. It's okay to not be okay...

See, as parents we put this invisible cape on and expect to suffocate our own feelings and simply parent through life's struggles. Well, I am here to tell you that is unrealistic. It appears that being a parent challenges your mental stability more than anything else ever could. We have these little humans we have to show up for even when we can't show up for ourselves.

So, if you've made it this far I guess you're wondering what I did ... I APOLOGIZED.

I had a big girl conversation with them about how sorry I was that I was irritated today and that it wasn't their fault. I told them what I said above (that I should have walked away for a bit and then came back to help them). You know what happened, they forgave me. They gave me a hug and when they tried to say that they were sorry as well I stopped them... today wasn't about them. It was about me...

I want my children to know that I made a mistake & I take responsibility for that. I want them to know that sometimes our feelings get the best of us but it doesn't mean we can't get them back in check...

So, what does it look like for you when you loose your temper? Have you had to apologize to your children (or anyone else for that matter) for our anger?