Good Grief

I was thinking about my father recently and how phenomenal of a man he was. I remember how proud he was of the man that my brother was becoming. How excited he was to meet his first grandchild (my nephew) and how intentional he was with all of us. We were really blessed to be his.

The month before I turned 16 my father died. I thought I was okay because I stayed in school and did well for myself; however, I recently came to the hard truth that for the past 15 years I'd been ignoring him. When my father passed it was devastating. It was so devastating that I never grieved. I just pushed it down, hid it in a corner in my heart and never dealt with it. I could talk about him, I could see pictures of him, I cried occasionally but I thought I was okay.

It wasn't until landing myself in therapy at 30 years old did a realize I had not properly grieved him.

My therapist walked me through the grieving process, and I cried all over again like a baby. By walking through letting him go it allowed me to accept that he was no longer here. As long as I convinced myself that I was "okay" I was never going to take the necessary steps to process his departure.

By not grieving I stayed a 15-year-old little girl trying to make her dad proud. People would say all the time "Joe would be so proud" or "I know your dad is smiling down on you". These statements made me feel I was accomplishing things that he would be proud of instead of viewing my life from the eyes of the daughter of Joe.

Let me explain:

When you lose someone as valuable as I did you should attempt to view your life as if you were explaining it to them not trying to impress them/make them proud. By readjusting my focus as it pertains to my father, I was able to reach down and receive his guidance. I can now think through things like "oh, Daddy would do this" or "Daddy would say this" instead of "my dad would be proud if I did this or that".

Why is this important?

Living in a space trying to impress someone who is gone will never end.

Living in a space honoring how someone would have guided you in a situation creates a legacy from their lives.

In conclusion, my father was an extremely successful man in both entrepreneurship and the Corporate Ladder. I am finally able to apply his outlook on life instead of attempting to live my life "for him". Greif can be good when you walk through the process.